In the pursuit of happiness

I’m a day behind, sorry you loyal reader. And I do mean you.

… There is much I don’t know about my family outside of the people I grew up with in a red house in the San Joaquin Delta. I think it is fair to say, most of it is my fault. I was a shy child growing up – if you could believe that. People came over, I usually went scampering.

Part of it was I probably felt like I was on display. Being the youngest, I felt like I was always on display for family and friends. I didn’t like it so much, mainly because I didn’t speak Spanish but I could understand them. So, it was difficult for me to be around them.

As I’ve grown up, I realized I may have missed something. My immediate family is big enough and has grown from the 10 to now 29. But, with family, there is always room for more.

I met my cousin from Mexico, my dad’s nephew, this past week. He was the one that flew up with my dad from Mexico when my mother died. He brought his wife, one of his daughters, her husband and grandchild.

I saw them twice while they were here. I took my father, who had been in the area for a week, to Riverside to spend time with not only them but another cousin where they were staying with.

I had some concern about how I would talk to them. My father said my Spanish has improved. I know I still need to improve since my Spanish is more broken than a world record set by sprinter on steroids.

However, you learn that family will always accept you. I understood them and they understood me. We made each other laugh and we had a good time. I can see that my family outside my brothers and sisters are just like us.

They also gave me a twist on one of my favorite candies: Chocolate dipped Mazapans. Mmmmm, they are delicious.

My cousins also love my father, which is something he needs now. While he is still sad about the loss of his wife, he knows he’s not going to be alone in this world.

As I said earlier, I want to go to Mexico the next time my father goes, which could be in October.

… I see my father again this coming weekend. I’m going up to Northern California on Thursday and will be there until Sunday morning. I get to fly up this time, I usually drive.

My sister and I will go home on Thursday in her and her husband’s RV. The next morning we’ll take my father into Stockton to a doctor’s appointment.

We’ll come back to the Bay Area that night and I’ll go to my first San Francisco Giants game at AT&T Park in almost eight years. It’ll actually be seven years, 11 months to the date. And, as coincidence would have it, they are playing the St. Louis Cardinals again. Me and my brother-in-law are going to ride bikes to the BART Station, ride over to San Francisco, then ride the bikes to the stadium. That should be interesting in itself. I’ll also meet a friend at the game so it should be a good time.

On Saturday, we are going back to the valley to see another sister as her children perform in a swim meet, at least that’s what I’ve been told.

It should be a good time.

… Months ago, I made the choice that finding a new job would be my next priority in life. Everything else would have to wait while I looked for work.

It made sense at the time. Work would lead to so much more. Then I would need to find a new place to live and then I could get on with the rest of my life, like looking for that special someone.

After doing that for a little more than four months, I found out I put my life on hold and felt that I was in quicksand. I was losing things left and right and the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink.

With my mother’s passing, I think back to what she wanted for me and that was just being happy with my life at that moment.

For those that have been reading me since I posted on myspace in 2006, you know that all I’ve ever wanted out of life was just that, happiness. Work is just work and if you enjoy doing what you are doing, even better. But real happiness comes outside of the office, I feel. It’s your friends and family who you choose to spend time with. (I might add at this point, I have had and still have great co-workers.)

I sat there days after Mother’s Day thinking, I let my goal get away, and I understood why.

First of all, I thought a new job could lead to other things. The problem was it put me in a state of purgatory; I could see heaven, but felt closer to hell.

But more importantly, I let myself believe happiness is a right. It’s not. Happiness is something you have to work for because sometimes it is fleeting.

So there I was, thinking about what has become of my grand plan, alone. I was listening to my iPod and heard “23” by Jimmy Eat World and the lyric “You’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.”

At that point, I decided that wouldn’t happen to me. Life isn’t perfect and, despite best laid plans, doesn’t care about what you had in mind. But you have to make your happiness; it can’t do it for you.

At that point, I decided to take a chance. At that point, I was willing to accept the good and the bad but I was going to find my happiness.

And I just might have.

A different perspective

If brownies are brown, what do you call brownies that are made from white chocolate?

… Being a San Francisco Giants fan for the last 13 years hasn’t been easy, especially living in Dodgers country. And there is one person at the center of it all: Barry Bonds.

It wasn’t until he bulked up – by means that have been speculated countless times – that I really heard about it. “How can you cheer for someone that is a cheater?” Each time I’d answer, “I root for the team.” Each time I would end it by saying, “If he was on your team, you’d feel the same as I do.”

Well Bonds may not have the charisma Manny Ramirez has; however, I can finally make the “What if” into reality.

The amazing thing is all the things Dodger fans that chastised Giants fans, most have now become. Those that don’t either: know the hypocrisy of supporting him, or, understand Ramirez was just using the Dodgers to pad his stats so he could opt out of his contract for more money.

The problem is he got caught. Now, chances are he doesn’t opt out. Now the Dodgers are stuck and hope he doesn’t get caught again because the next time it is 100 games. He probably won’t get caught again, but what happens to his production?

As for my favorite team, this gives them a chance to make the summer interesting. They clearly have the pitching. They still lack the hitting, but come July when Ramirez’s suspension ends and the Giants are still hanging around, it gives them a reason to trade for a hitter they sorely need.

Let’s see what happens.

… My first Mother’s Day without my mom was different to say the least.

Usually watching television leading up to the day, I’d see ads promoting sales of products and services like brunch or dinner. Before I would just let those ads go in one ear and out the other.

Except, this year, those ads were a reminder. I had no one to call this year. My father wanted the family to come home. I couldn’t make it.

I still wrestle with the idea that my mom is gone. I would have never thought my mom would be gone now. I don’t think she did either.

My last night on the farm a few weeks back, I slept in the front room on one of the recliners since there was no bed to sleep in. It turned out to be the one my mom used to sit in when my parents would watch television. I knew that recliner was my mother’s because when I was setting it up to sleep on it, I found a blanket she was knitting. If I remember correctly, it was for one of my nephews.

So what did I do on Mother’s Day, besides the usual work? Well, I wanted to go somewhere I could feel close to her. The only place I felt I could do that was in a Catholic Church. It has been years that I’ve attended a non-ceremony mass in church. I’m thinking it was at least seven.

I knew there was one not far from where I live. It is actually pretty cozy. And in a way, I did feel my mom with me. I felt like I was actually doing something with my mom.

While I thought about going to church to honor my mom and that would be all, in a strange way I wondered if I should go back.

… My father comes to Southern California next weekend. One of my sister’s gets her Master’s Degree and my father will attend and I’ll be there too.

I look forward to seeing him again. I also heard that a cousin from Mexico will be in town as well a week later. He is the same cousin that flew with my father last month. I look forward to meeting him too.

I also heard an idea floating around that my father would be going to Mexico later this year, maybe October. Hopefully, I can go too.