Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized

Nothing is certain. While I hope for the best for everyone I continue to prepare for the worst.

If there were more time, I'd know everything would work out for those hit hardest. There would be decisions without worrying about the possible after effects, they would be well thought out. But we are two days away from the end.

The worst part now is the rumors. "He's going to do this." "She is going to do that." People hearing that and start to worry, how is this going to affect me if that happens?

Some of it might be true, but more than likely it isn't.

The only thing I can say is plan for the worst, hope for the best then just live your life the best you can. I know it is easier said than done knowing that in a day (I previously wrote today, Monday, a decision would be made but I think I am now wrong) everyone will have his or her fate officially sealed.

But look at it this way; you have no control on this ride. You just exit and hope for the best. I really hope for the best for everyone, but realistically knowing some will be left behind.

As for me, my mind has made me too focused on others. As I was taking my daily walk today, I was crossing the street with the right of way when I noticed a car trying to make a left turn in my path. Either the driver didn't see me or didn't care.

I saw it almost as soon as I started walking across the street, but didn't stop walking. I recognized the situation and for some reason thought I would be okay. The driver eventually yielded in some regards redirecting their course around me.

But I never once flinched or felt any type of adrenaline rush either during or immediately after.

I just kept walking.

The rapid end of my time at the Press-Telegram

"Whatcha got ain't nothin new. This country's hard on people, you can't stop what's coming, it ain't all waiting on you. That's vanity."

– Uncle Ellis, No Country For Old Men

I loved that movie and never had that quote struck more true than it does right now.

On a Monday, I had a job. On a Tuesday, I had a job with rumors of changes coming. On a Thursday, I wondered if I was going to have a severance check waiting for me on a Friday.

In this business, that's how fast bad news travels.

On Friday, we heard the official news; the copy editing and design desk were going to be no more at the Press-Telegram in less than a week. Of those people, like me, only 12 or about 2/3 would have work at our sister paper, The Daily Breeze in Torrance. The rest will be given a severance, vacation cashed out and work served check.

The Press-Telegram will also be losing their publisher Dave Kuta and managing editor John Futch. I owe a lot to Futch for me still being involved in the newspaper industry. Less than a month and a half after I was fired and being told "Never work at a newspaper again" he took me in and gave me another chance. And on my worst night two weeks after I was hired, he reassured me. He gave me the confidence and, in time, that turned in to value showing I am more valuable at a newspaper than previously thought. I owe him a lot.

And as fast as the bad news traveled, my priorities changed. Yes, I had the initial shock of the thought of losing work and what I'm going to do next? But remembered the line, "There is something beyond oneself." Despite not having much saved up, I remembered it's just me; I don't have a family to support. My worries went to my friends that do immediately. Suddenly, me losing my job seemed so insignificant to the worries others are having.

I've been unemployed twice before and I'm seven weeks away from being 30. I know I'll be fine; it's nothing new for me. But I hope everything works out more for them before I would ever feel comfortable.

I care a lot about the people I work with. We've shared so much and with this quick turn around, it is cheating us of one thing people get when they put in their two weeks: time together. The thought of us being ripped apart so fast is unimaginable for me. Now this is something I've never done and so sad.

The uncertainty of everything only adds to the worry. Who is going to make it? When is the last time I see this person? How do you talk to someone if they didn't make it and you did?

The only certain things I know is: Monday is when we find out who makes it to the Daily Breeze, and, Tuesday is my last day at the Press-Telegram due to prior scheduling. If things work out, I'll be in Torrance on Thursday trying to make the best of a new situation and solving a new problem: Since all the copy editing and designing of the Press-Telegram is done at the Daily Breeze, what is the best way of making two different newspapers from one staff?

Miracles happen – usually for the other guy in my case

Twenty-five full days down, only another 35 to watch out.

…So just when I have good news it doesn't take long for bad news to find me. I've recently finished paying off five credit cards and I went to work where I got a message on my system telling of our sister newspapers in the Bay Area offering buyouts to their employees. If not enough people take the buyouts, there will be layoffs.

What really sucks is that the corporation I work for keeps turning a profit. At least I'll be debt free for the most part if they ask down here.

…I read recently on MSN that Forbes had a list of "America's Most Miserable Cities." No. 1 and No. 3 are no shock, three especially if you saw "Roger and Me." Detroit is at the top with Flint, Mich. two back. But in the middle is my hometown of Stockton. Crime, unemployment and, for those that remember my bulletin post, foreclosures are the main reason Stockton ranks high.

Now can you see why I left?

…I visited one of my sisters in Pasadena last week to see how they were doing. She has three kids and the two oldest are kind of over me. They got other things going on, especially if kids their age are over.

The youngest is two and a half and still likes seeing me. So within 10 minutes of me getting there he wanted me to read him a book, "The Gingerbread Man" to be exact. I had no problem with it. As I read I discovered he learned the one word that has no answer: Why? As I was reading the book, he asked what the bear in the story was doing? I said he's reading. He asked: Why? The bear likes to read. Why? He likes the stories. Why? He finds them entertaining. Why?

I forget what I did to make him stop, but it reminded me of the stand up of Louis C.K.

…I am wondering what I want to do next. More than a month ago, I contacted an old, well I'll just say, friend of the family who works at the Washington Post. He relocated to the East Coast about 14 years ago and I asked him what that was like. He said it was really good for him professionally. You'll be allowed to grow and will be surrounded by those who want to help you get better.

After talking to him, I was ready to apply to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution for a design position there. The deadline was in early February, and I didn't. While I was willing, it just didn't seem right.

I'll be honest; I'm about to turn 30 in less than two months and my life isn't what I thought it would be, but whose is right? If I left, I would feel like I was running away and I don't think I could live with that. So I'm waiting to see what happens.

Besides, now would not be a good time to move. I still have March to deal with.

Where did the time go?

So much happened in so little time.

...We've entered February, which is the start of my two worst months traditionally. Of all the things that have gone wrong in my life, about 90 percent of it happened in February and March. I'm not saying I'm having the best time of my life for the rest of the year, but I usually don't have that many problems.

But after five full days, so far so good. I won $40 in about 20 minutes when I was in Las Vegas for the latest UFC fight on Groundhog's Day.

I'm also being proactive on the advice of a friend and trying to make the best of it and avoid the pitfalls. We'll see how that is coming along. I just need to be wary of the next 55 days. Damn leap year.

...I've also made the decision to try and take better care of myself. I'm starting to walk - occasionally jogging. In fact, I'm also going to exploit my religion, the one I don't really practice, for the next 40 days. I'm giving up soda and red meat. I'm curious to see how much weight, if any, I'll lose.

...And as for work, the powers that be moved the sports department to news. There are three reasons why this sucks: First, they stole my Mystery Spot bumper sticker when they moved my desk, now I'm going to have to go back to Santa Cruz to get another. Second, my desk is right by the main walkway so everyone walks by me. Third, I sit next to one of the most annoying people in the office (don't even defend him some of you who know who I am talking about). Not only does he jump into every conversation being held with information that only Cliff Clavin would love, but he also has a series of nervous twitches. The only positive is that I don't work all five days with him, but one is too many. I found my Gareth Keenan or Dwight Schrute, depending on which "The Office" you like more.

...Speaking of work, I was given a challenge by the sports editor: Put a football stadium next to the Queen Mary. It ran not only in the Press-Telegram, but also the Daily Breeze and Daily News. More than a half million potential readers.

Until next time.