Hearts gone cold/And hands are tied/Why’d you have to go/And let it die

I'm one of the 12. Does it make me happy, well in some regards it does. Remember, according to a former sports editor, anytime I spend working at a newspaper is on borrowed time.

But in the bigger picture, there are those that did not survive Wednesday with their jobs. I feel terrible.

In fact, earlier on Wednesday, most of the members of the sports staff gathered for a last time as a PT staff at a regular lunch spot, Genghis Kahn in the Lakewood Mall. We had a great time until one got a call from the top of the PT and we just looked at each other knowing it's begun.

Within 45 minutes most knew. Either the group at that table located in the Lakewood Mall or beyond knew where they stood.

One person in particular didn't survive the round of cuts. I felt so awful talking to him when he called to tell me the news. I found it really hard to talk to him, especially since he was taking it better then I was.

I don't think I've ever lost control of my emotions more in the past week over a bunch of co-workers. And it wasn't just me. In talking with others, they felt the same way and you could start to hear them well up when they spoke. And then they would tell me of other conversations with others.

After lunch, I went into the office with a co-worker and packed up. I also said more goodbyes.

Again, this is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone and I have this strange feeling it may happen again to me unless I find a new job in another industry with more job security.

I couldn't make it to end of the final desk shift at the Press-Telegram. I had made a prior commitment to a friend to attend the Foo Fighters concert at the Forum. In a way, I was looking forward to an escape from the recent realities. After suffering through the first two opening acts, the Foo Fighters made an appearance and they were beyond awesome. But wouldn't you know it, their first song reminded me of work, "Let it Die."

First day of the new Press-Telegram hits the streets on Friday.

It ends tonight

All of my Press-Enterprise friends know the following quote. It's the line I opened with in an e-mail when I was fired from there. And I'm going to say it again because it is so beautiful and I can't find better words for it.

"The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean; you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with ... it can mean a lot."

The excerpt was from the original version of "The Office" and sadly again, I find it worthy of brining it up in my life.

Today is my last day at the Press-Telegram as I've known it since I arrived as a full time employee in October 2005. The last day of the PT operating out of the Long Beach with copy editors and designers is Wednesday.

As for news on me staying or going, that is still to come. As you can read by the time stamp of this blog at the bottom, it's been a long day. But I share this night with co-workers wondering the same thing, "What is going to happen?"

I enjoy the company of everyone I work with. Since the sports staff has moved over to news, we've found more people to laugh with. But at the same time we kind of knew there was a doom with us working so close together; kind of like working in the engine room of the Titanic.

I know the word family gets tossed around and becomes cliché when describing a group of people, so I don't want to say that here. I will say the sports staff of the Press-Telegram shared a lot before I got there.

I was fortunate to experience it for as long as I did. There are noble people in that department that would do anything for anyone. I can't tell you how many times I've been picked up by any number of them. I'd like to think I've done the same for them.

Yes, there were times that we didn't get along with each other to a point where things escalated to levels I've never seen before. But, it only showed how much we cared about what we did.

Those were extremely rare times however. For the most part it was the most fun I've ever had. As I said in my very first blog: "… there's a chance someone is going to lead the group in singing 'Jesse's girl.'"

We had seen the writing on the wall and knew this day would come. But we were still a close-knit group. As James Melroy said: "It's the best worst place to work."

And it really was. I was just jackpot lucky enough to be apart of it.

There will be an update when the final decisions are made, but as of right now, it's calm mainly because you know the news you've been waiting for – good or bad – is near.

Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized

Nothing is certain. While I hope for the best for everyone I continue to prepare for the worst.

If there were more time, I'd know everything would work out for those hit hardest. There would be decisions without worrying about the possible after effects, they would be well thought out. But we are two days away from the end.

The worst part now is the rumors. "He's going to do this." "She is going to do that." People hearing that and start to worry, how is this going to affect me if that happens?

Some of it might be true, but more than likely it isn't.

The only thing I can say is plan for the worst, hope for the best then just live your life the best you can. I know it is easier said than done knowing that in a day (I previously wrote today, Monday, a decision would be made but I think I am now wrong) everyone will have his or her fate officially sealed.

But look at it this way; you have no control on this ride. You just exit and hope for the best. I really hope for the best for everyone, but realistically knowing some will be left behind.

As for me, my mind has made me too focused on others. As I was taking my daily walk today, I was crossing the street with the right of way when I noticed a car trying to make a left turn in my path. Either the driver didn't see me or didn't care.

I saw it almost as soon as I started walking across the street, but didn't stop walking. I recognized the situation and for some reason thought I would be okay. The driver eventually yielded in some regards redirecting their course around me.

But I never once flinched or felt any type of adrenaline rush either during or immediately after.

I just kept walking.

The rapid end of my time at the Press-Telegram

"Whatcha got ain't nothin new. This country's hard on people, you can't stop what's coming, it ain't all waiting on you. That's vanity."

– Uncle Ellis, No Country For Old Men

I loved that movie and never had that quote struck more true than it does right now.

On a Monday, I had a job. On a Tuesday, I had a job with rumors of changes coming. On a Thursday, I wondered if I was going to have a severance check waiting for me on a Friday.

In this business, that's how fast bad news travels.

On Friday, we heard the official news; the copy editing and design desk were going to be no more at the Press-Telegram in less than a week. Of those people, like me, only 12 or about 2/3 would have work at our sister paper, The Daily Breeze in Torrance. The rest will be given a severance, vacation cashed out and work served check.

The Press-Telegram will also be losing their publisher Dave Kuta and managing editor John Futch. I owe a lot to Futch for me still being involved in the newspaper industry. Less than a month and a half after I was fired and being told "Never work at a newspaper again" he took me in and gave me another chance. And on my worst night two weeks after I was hired, he reassured me. He gave me the confidence and, in time, that turned in to value showing I am more valuable at a newspaper than previously thought. I owe him a lot.

And as fast as the bad news traveled, my priorities changed. Yes, I had the initial shock of the thought of losing work and what I'm going to do next? But remembered the line, "There is something beyond oneself." Despite not having much saved up, I remembered it's just me; I don't have a family to support. My worries went to my friends that do immediately. Suddenly, me losing my job seemed so insignificant to the worries others are having.

I've been unemployed twice before and I'm seven weeks away from being 30. I know I'll be fine; it's nothing new for me. But I hope everything works out more for them before I would ever feel comfortable.

I care a lot about the people I work with. We've shared so much and with this quick turn around, it is cheating us of one thing people get when they put in their two weeks: time together. The thought of us being ripped apart so fast is unimaginable for me. Now this is something I've never done and so sad.

The uncertainty of everything only adds to the worry. Who is going to make it? When is the last time I see this person? How do you talk to someone if they didn't make it and you did?

The only certain things I know is: Monday is when we find out who makes it to the Daily Breeze, and, Tuesday is my last day at the Press-Telegram due to prior scheduling. If things work out, I'll be in Torrance on Thursday trying to make the best of a new situation and solving a new problem: Since all the copy editing and designing of the Press-Telegram is done at the Daily Breeze, what is the best way of making two different newspapers from one staff?