In the pursuit of happiness

I’m a day behind, sorry you loyal reader. And I do mean you.

… There is much I don’t know about my family outside of the people I grew up with in a red house in the San Joaquin Delta. I think it is fair to say, most of it is my fault. I was a shy child growing up – if you could believe that. People came over, I usually went scampering.

Part of it was I probably felt like I was on display. Being the youngest, I felt like I was always on display for family and friends. I didn’t like it so much, mainly because I didn’t speak Spanish but I could understand them. So, it was difficult for me to be around them.

As I’ve grown up, I realized I may have missed something. My immediate family is big enough and has grown from the 10 to now 29. But, with family, there is always room for more.

I met my cousin from Mexico, my dad’s nephew, this past week. He was the one that flew up with my dad from Mexico when my mother died. He brought his wife, one of his daughters, her husband and grandchild.

I saw them twice while they were here. I took my father, who had been in the area for a week, to Riverside to spend time with not only them but another cousin where they were staying with.

I had some concern about how I would talk to them. My father said my Spanish has improved. I know I still need to improve since my Spanish is more broken than a world record set by sprinter on steroids.

However, you learn that family will always accept you. I understood them and they understood me. We made each other laugh and we had a good time. I can see that my family outside my brothers and sisters are just like us.

They also gave me a twist on one of my favorite candies: Chocolate dipped Mazapans. Mmmmm, they are delicious.

My cousins also love my father, which is something he needs now. While he is still sad about the loss of his wife, he knows he’s not going to be alone in this world.

As I said earlier, I want to go to Mexico the next time my father goes, which could be in October.

… I see my father again this coming weekend. I’m going up to Northern California on Thursday and will be there until Sunday morning. I get to fly up this time, I usually drive.

My sister and I will go home on Thursday in her and her husband’s RV. The next morning we’ll take my father into Stockton to a doctor’s appointment.

We’ll come back to the Bay Area that night and I’ll go to my first San Francisco Giants game at AT&T Park in almost eight years. It’ll actually be seven years, 11 months to the date. And, as coincidence would have it, they are playing the St. Louis Cardinals again. Me and my brother-in-law are going to ride bikes to the BART Station, ride over to San Francisco, then ride the bikes to the stadium. That should be interesting in itself. I’ll also meet a friend at the game so it should be a good time.

On Saturday, we are going back to the valley to see another sister as her children perform in a swim meet, at least that’s what I’ve been told.

It should be a good time.

… Months ago, I made the choice that finding a new job would be my next priority in life. Everything else would have to wait while I looked for work.

It made sense at the time. Work would lead to so much more. Then I would need to find a new place to live and then I could get on with the rest of my life, like looking for that special someone.

After doing that for a little more than four months, I found out I put my life on hold and felt that I was in quicksand. I was losing things left and right and the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink.

With my mother’s passing, I think back to what she wanted for me and that was just being happy with my life at that moment.

For those that have been reading me since I posted on myspace in 2006, you know that all I’ve ever wanted out of life was just that, happiness. Work is just work and if you enjoy doing what you are doing, even better. But real happiness comes outside of the office, I feel. It’s your friends and family who you choose to spend time with. (I might add at this point, I have had and still have great co-workers.)

I sat there days after Mother’s Day thinking, I let my goal get away, and I understood why.

First of all, I thought a new job could lead to other things. The problem was it put me in a state of purgatory; I could see heaven, but felt closer to hell.

But more importantly, I let myself believe happiness is a right. It’s not. Happiness is something you have to work for because sometimes it is fleeting.

So there I was, thinking about what has become of my grand plan, alone. I was listening to my iPod and heard “23” by Jimmy Eat World and the lyric “You’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.”

At that point, I decided that wouldn’t happen to me. Life isn’t perfect and, despite best laid plans, doesn’t care about what you had in mind. But you have to make your happiness; it can’t do it for you.

At that point, I decided to take a chance. At that point, I was willing to accept the good and the bad but I was going to find my happiness.

And I just might have.

A different perspective

If brownies are brown, what do you call brownies that are made from white chocolate?

… Being a San Francisco Giants fan for the last 13 years hasn’t been easy, especially living in Dodgers country. And there is one person at the center of it all: Barry Bonds.

It wasn’t until he bulked up – by means that have been speculated countless times – that I really heard about it. “How can you cheer for someone that is a cheater?” Each time I’d answer, “I root for the team.” Each time I would end it by saying, “If he was on your team, you’d feel the same as I do.”

Well Bonds may not have the charisma Manny Ramirez has; however, I can finally make the “What if” into reality.

The amazing thing is all the things Dodger fans that chastised Giants fans, most have now become. Those that don’t either: know the hypocrisy of supporting him, or, understand Ramirez was just using the Dodgers to pad his stats so he could opt out of his contract for more money.

The problem is he got caught. Now, chances are he doesn’t opt out. Now the Dodgers are stuck and hope he doesn’t get caught again because the next time it is 100 games. He probably won’t get caught again, but what happens to his production?

As for my favorite team, this gives them a chance to make the summer interesting. They clearly have the pitching. They still lack the hitting, but come July when Ramirez’s suspension ends and the Giants are still hanging around, it gives them a reason to trade for a hitter they sorely need.

Let’s see what happens.

… My first Mother’s Day without my mom was different to say the least.

Usually watching television leading up to the day, I’d see ads promoting sales of products and services like brunch or dinner. Before I would just let those ads go in one ear and out the other.

Except, this year, those ads were a reminder. I had no one to call this year. My father wanted the family to come home. I couldn’t make it.

I still wrestle with the idea that my mom is gone. I would have never thought my mom would be gone now. I don’t think she did either.

My last night on the farm a few weeks back, I slept in the front room on one of the recliners since there was no bed to sleep in. It turned out to be the one my mom used to sit in when my parents would watch television. I knew that recliner was my mother’s because when I was setting it up to sleep on it, I found a blanket she was knitting. If I remember correctly, it was for one of my nephews.

So what did I do on Mother’s Day, besides the usual work? Well, I wanted to go somewhere I could feel close to her. The only place I felt I could do that was in a Catholic Church. It has been years that I’ve attended a non-ceremony mass in church. I’m thinking it was at least seven.

I knew there was one not far from where I live. It is actually pretty cozy. And in a way, I did feel my mom with me. I felt like I was actually doing something with my mom.

While I thought about going to church to honor my mom and that would be all, in a strange way I wondered if I should go back.

… My father comes to Southern California next weekend. One of my sister’s gets her Master’s Degree and my father will attend and I’ll be there too.

I look forward to seeing him again. I also heard that a cousin from Mexico will be in town as well a week later. He is the same cousin that flew with my father last month. I look forward to meeting him too.

I also heard an idea floating around that my father would be going to Mexico later this year, maybe October. Hopefully, I can go too.

Baskin Robbins and me

I know that I still have yet to bottom out. However, it is not a good sign if you can see it.

… On average, my life always picked up in April. Clearly it has not this year.

It has been more than three weeks since the loss of my mother and each day I still think about it. I talk to some of my siblings and it seems we haven’t really healed. We sleep but we are still tired.

I’ve had a hard time getting sleep and making matters worse are birds making noise at the same time I’m about to turn out the light. I thought birds went to sleep when it was dark. And no, these are not owls.

These birds are just the start.

I forgot to mention in my last blog that someone stole my car antenna. I had to get a replacement and was told to glue it on. At the same time, I shouldn’t have to do that.

Looking for work has been hard. I have no idea what I am qualified for and have yet to hear back from any place I’ve applied to.

More than a month ago I went to a seminar that was a class on public relations essentials with tips on how to get work in that area. Well the instructor got into a car accident and never showed up. I did get my money back.

Piling on is Verizon. My home phone line/Internet isn’t working properly as there is static on the line that is causing the modem to lose connection once in a while. I have yet to fill out a work order since I’ve been told it will cost more than $80 to fix.

… Through it all, I am grateful for my friends and my family. They’ve let me rant and have kept me company when I needed it.

While times are difficult, I know I can talk to any one of them at a given time just to help me get my minds off things, even if it is for a little while.

… My 31st birthday was low key. I had lunch with friends on Wednesday and then went to work. I had originally asked for the day off, but there was a mix up and I went to work. I wanted to go to Disneyland since it was free, but wasn’t able to find someone to go with me. So maybe it was best I didn’t go.

I finally had a day off on Friday and had lunch with another friend then went to Pasadena to spend time with my family. I kept score at my eight-year-old nephew’s baseball game then had dinner at their house.

Come to think about it, I never made a birthday wish. Oh well.

Chapters

“I’ve taken all and I’ve endured/One day it all will fade I’m sure”

“I’ll stick around” – Foo Fighters

The day I left to go home, I only had just over one hour of sleep the night before. I was up at 4 in the morning and thought to myself that if I was still up at 4:30 I would get up and just go. I fell asleep and woke up again at 5:45. I packed my car and reached the freeway by 7.

I made it to Tracy at 12:30 p.m. My first stop was to the Tracy Press to pick up copies of the obituary then made it to the hotel. When I arrived one of my sisters arrived about a minute after me. I checked in and got in contact with another who told me almost all of my family was there.

I rested up a bit before I ran an errand and made it to the family viewing at the mortuary. I was one of the first people there. We waited until more people showed up then a sister and I walked in first.

The last time I saw my mom was on a webcam from Mexico. She was smiling and laughing in the brief moments I saw her. When I saw her now, I began to cry. As much as I prepared myself for that moment, there was really nothing I could have done.

Within moments of seeing her, my family began arriving. I moved back to allow my sisters and their children to view. Some began to cry and, again, I choked up. I had flashes of my mom and all of her grandchildren and how much fun she had with them.

This was also the first time I saw my father since they left for Mexico. Speaking to us about mom was difficult for him. It was clear he was heartbroken.

People began to flow in for the service and rosary that was to begin at 7 p.m. There were a lot of people my family hadn’t seen in years. In a way, it was gratifying for us to see what our mother meant to those in the surrounding community.

The priest came in and talked to us before giving the sermon. He asked us all questions and made us feel at ease. As I said, my father was heartbroken, but while talking to the priest you had the sense that his faith would carry him through. He accepted what had happened as God’s will and would carry on living his life in honor of my mother.

During the sermon, he invited a family member to speak. In hindsight, this was the time to deliver the eulogy I had written. Unfortunately, no one in the family knew that at the time. I did speak, but it was something I came up with on the spot with parts taken from the eulogy.

When I got back to my hotel, the door to my room was not working properly. So I was forced to switch rooms. Before I went to sleep that night, I waited for a friend that drove up from Southern California to attend the funeral. He arrived at 1 a.m. and I went to sleep soon after.

The next morning I got up and went to the free breakfast downstairs. I ate, but really wasn’t hungry.

My family went to the mortuary one more time to view my mother as they closed the casket. I said goodbye and that I loved her. My brother, four brother-in-laws and I were pallbearers and we moved my mother out of the church to the hearse outside that would take my mom to the church for the service.

When we got to the church, we moved my mom inside. For the service I sat next to my dad along with one of my sisters. It was the traditional Catholic service and one of my sisters gave a reading.

After the service we walked my mother back to the hearse. We then went to the cemetery. The priest gave one final blessing. The pallbearers and I placed our flowers on the coffin and moved back. They lowered the casket. They passed out flowers and we placed them on the coffin.

The reception was at the hotel conference room. I sat with friends and family and told stories. I finally gave my eulogy. It may not have been the setting I was hoping for, however, it was probably better that I gave it there. The reason was my sister who I wanted to translate for me said she didn’t think she could during the service. Now she could since it was more relaxed. Also, she was able to play off what I had said and made the tone a little lighter.

We went back up stairs. My father was now in my room. We rested for a little bit before we went out to dinner with one of my sisters, my brother, all their children and family friends. Someone asked me at dinner why it seemed that I was able to take the day better than my siblings. I don’t know this to be true, but I did say that what hurts me the most is all the things I won’t have my mom for in the future. My siblings all had her there for weddings and their grandchildren. I won’t have that.

The next day, my father and I said goodbye to family still at the hotel and went home. Two of my brother-in-laws met us at the house to install a switch for the water pump. I walked around, just looking everything. I walked in the house and could see my mother everywhere. No more was it clearly visible then on the refrigerator door where pictures of all the grandchildren where. I couldn’t help but cry at the sight.

After they were done with the switch, my father and I planted to flower plants we received as condolences. My father said that my mother will always be able to see them in their garden.

We also had one more set of flowers to drop off at the cemetery. I drove my father and together we dropped them off where all the other flowers were.

We then drove to San Leandro and spent the night with my sister there. My dad watched the novela “Cuidado con el Angel,” translated, “Careful with the Angel.” One scene in particular was tough to watch. In this scene, a child was talking to her grandmother who was an angel. I looked at my dad after the scene. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were full of tears.

The next day he drove himself home since he had his truck at my sisters. I followed him home in my car. I drove him to Stockton to pick up medication, lunch, to check about his doctor’s appointment and get groceries. We had lunch at a Mongolian BBQ restaurant where I took my parents when I was in town. My parents always went there. One of the waitresses recognized my dad and began talking to him then asked, “Where is your wife?” It was something that would be asked of him a few more times during the day. My father didn’t flinch and each time said she passed away. It was an answer no one expected, I mean who does? The people would give their condolences and would then tell me about my parents and how wonderful my mom was.

While I was in town, I wondered if the minor league team was in town. I remembered what happened the night before and thought a change would be good. So, on my last night, I took my dad to a minor league baseball game. I told him to bring a warm jacket, brought a blanket and headed to Opening Night for the Stockton Ports. My father had a good time, bundled up eating peanuts. He didn’t want anything else; believe me I asked him repeatedly.

The next day, Friday, we went to Tracy one more time to pick up some groceries, lunch and pay bills. When we got back, I walked around for a bit, talked with my dad. I told him if he needed anything to call me or anyone of his children. He said he knew, but he wanted to stay home and take care of the plants that he and my mom planted. He said it would be disrespectful to my mother if all the plants died.

I went to Tracy one more time before having dinner with a friend in Stockton. I stopped off to see my mother one last time. I brought her more flowers; these were picked by me and my dad from their garden. I told her I loved her and that I would see her again.

I had dinner with a childhood friend and his wife at Round Table Pizza in Stockton. They had games for kids so we played Candy Land and Old Maid. I left Stockton at almost 9:30 that night. On my way home my friend sent me a picture of us playing Candy Land.

The next day I went to work and had a 14-page sports section, the biggest section we’ve had in a long time. Needless to say, I didn’t make deadline. The Grand Prix of Long Beach was taking place so we blew out the coverage.

On Sunday, we had an 11-page section. It was also the last day for me in the Torrance office as I was being transferred to West Covina. We had a dinner and there were kind words said. Deadline was completely blown by again. After work, I went out with co-workers for a send off.

So later today I begin a new chapter. I’m going to work in my fourth office in three years, all under the same company. I promised myself that I would never do another transfer. I also promised myself I would never be unemployed and decided to keep that one. As you can guess I’m not really looking forward to it, like many others today.

My birthday is also coming up in two days, and yes I will be working on that day and the day after. It will be the first one without my mother who used to call me and tell me all that a mother would say.

I do have her last give to me. While in Mexico she bought me a blanket for the back seat of my car. In a way, it is fitting because whenever I would drive my parents anywhere, my mom would sit in the back. Now I can say: I’m always driving my mom around.