In the pursuit of happiness

I’m a day behind, sorry you loyal reader. And I do mean you.

… There is much I don’t know about my family outside of the people I grew up with in a red house in the San Joaquin Delta. I think it is fair to say, most of it is my fault. I was a shy child growing up – if you could believe that. People came over, I usually went scampering.

Part of it was I probably felt like I was on display. Being the youngest, I felt like I was always on display for family and friends. I didn’t like it so much, mainly because I didn’t speak Spanish but I could understand them. So, it was difficult for me to be around them.

As I’ve grown up, I realized I may have missed something. My immediate family is big enough and has grown from the 10 to now 29. But, with family, there is always room for more.

I met my cousin from Mexico, my dad’s nephew, this past week. He was the one that flew up with my dad from Mexico when my mother died. He brought his wife, one of his daughters, her husband and grandchild.

I saw them twice while they were here. I took my father, who had been in the area for a week, to Riverside to spend time with not only them but another cousin where they were staying with.

I had some concern about how I would talk to them. My father said my Spanish has improved. I know I still need to improve since my Spanish is more broken than a world record set by sprinter on steroids.

However, you learn that family will always accept you. I understood them and they understood me. We made each other laugh and we had a good time. I can see that my family outside my brothers and sisters are just like us.

They also gave me a twist on one of my favorite candies: Chocolate dipped Mazapans. Mmmmm, they are delicious.

My cousins also love my father, which is something he needs now. While he is still sad about the loss of his wife, he knows he’s not going to be alone in this world.

As I said earlier, I want to go to Mexico the next time my father goes, which could be in October.

… I see my father again this coming weekend. I’m going up to Northern California on Thursday and will be there until Sunday morning. I get to fly up this time, I usually drive.

My sister and I will go home on Thursday in her and her husband’s RV. The next morning we’ll take my father into Stockton to a doctor’s appointment.

We’ll come back to the Bay Area that night and I’ll go to my first San Francisco Giants game at AT&T Park in almost eight years. It’ll actually be seven years, 11 months to the date. And, as coincidence would have it, they are playing the St. Louis Cardinals again. Me and my brother-in-law are going to ride bikes to the BART Station, ride over to San Francisco, then ride the bikes to the stadium. That should be interesting in itself. I’ll also meet a friend at the game so it should be a good time.

On Saturday, we are going back to the valley to see another sister as her children perform in a swim meet, at least that’s what I’ve been told.

It should be a good time.

… Months ago, I made the choice that finding a new job would be my next priority in life. Everything else would have to wait while I looked for work.

It made sense at the time. Work would lead to so much more. Then I would need to find a new place to live and then I could get on with the rest of my life, like looking for that special someone.

After doing that for a little more than four months, I found out I put my life on hold and felt that I was in quicksand. I was losing things left and right and the more you struggle in quicksand, the faster you sink.

With my mother’s passing, I think back to what she wanted for me and that was just being happy with my life at that moment.

For those that have been reading me since I posted on myspace in 2006, you know that all I’ve ever wanted out of life was just that, happiness. Work is just work and if you enjoy doing what you are doing, even better. But real happiness comes outside of the office, I feel. It’s your friends and family who you choose to spend time with. (I might add at this point, I have had and still have great co-workers.)

I sat there days after Mother’s Day thinking, I let my goal get away, and I understood why.

First of all, I thought a new job could lead to other things. The problem was it put me in a state of purgatory; I could see heaven, but felt closer to hell.

But more importantly, I let myself believe happiness is a right. It’s not. Happiness is something you have to work for because sometimes it is fleeting.

So there I was, thinking about what has become of my grand plan, alone. I was listening to my iPod and heard “23” by Jimmy Eat World and the lyric “You’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.”

At that point, I decided that wouldn’t happen to me. Life isn’t perfect and, despite best laid plans, doesn’t care about what you had in mind. But you have to make your happiness; it can’t do it for you.

At that point, I decided to take a chance. At that point, I was willing to accept the good and the bad but I was going to find my happiness.

And I just might have.